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Ice-Pick Lodge forums • Translation - Items - Page 4
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PostPosted: 29 Sep 2007, 00:44 
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Any help is appreciated! Thanks!
My pleasure. :)

Though apparently, my time is so limited that I do not have enough of it to even write complete sentences. There should have been a "warn that" in there. :oops:
It'sscientifically proven, thathumans read words and sentences whole, not by elements, so I haven't even noticed ))
:)

So what do you want me to proof-read? The items-list?


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PostPosted: 29 Sep 2007, 18:07 
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So what do you want me to proof-read? The items-list?
I think its unnecessary - it only needs Russian proof-reading. Also, you are free to work on any open task you want - check out hte topics of this section. Just be sure to notify in the topic, that you've taken the task.
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PostPosted: 29 Sep 2007, 19:26 
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I think its unnecessary - it only needs Russian proof-reading.
Well, I looked at the list a bit, and noticed some things that (in my opinion) could be improved, such as the instruction to "use both <novocaine/etorphine/morphine> and bandages together to treat all variety of wounds".

It seems to me that "variety" should be replaced with "kinds" as in "all kinds of", though I would personally favor rewriting the "to treat all variety of wounds", making the full instruction read "For best results, use both <novocaine/etorphine/morphine> and bandages together when treating wounds".

Though it's fine with me if you prefer that I focus my energy elsewhere.
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Also, you are free to work on any open task you want - check out hte topics of this section. Just be sure to notify in the topic, that you've taken the task.
I'll take a look.


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PostPosted: 30 Sep 2007, 05:02 
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"For best results, use both <novocaine/etorphine/morphine> and bandages together when treating wounds"
That definitely sounds better in terms of fluency.. :) I think the original description is trying to say that if you use novocaine/etorphine/morphine together with bandages, you've "covered all bases", but I'm not sure how to rephrase that so it flows more eloquently.


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"For best results, use both <novocaine/etorphine/morphine> and bandages together when treating wounds"
That definitely sounds better in terms of fluency.. :) I think the original description is trying to say that if you use novocaine/etorphine/morphine together with bandages, you've "covered all bases", but I'm not sure how to rephrase that so it flows more eloquently.
Yeah, that was also the understanding I had, with regards to the meaning of the translation in the final draft. The only problem was the later part of the translation, where the meaning was apparent (at least is seemed so to me, though it is of course possible that I've misunderstood the intent :)), but the language was not perfect (the underlined bit):
- "For best results, use both <novocaine/etorphine/morphine> and bandages together to treat all variety of wounds"

In my opinion, the "for best results" part does a good job of conveying that this is the way to "cover all bases", as you put it.


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PostPosted: 04 Oct 2007, 17:06 
Sorry for being so slow. I've finshed looking over the items list (and also finished writing a report on biofilm, for the matter :)), and have uploaded the result to The LxR's ftp-server, here. I've tried to improve the translation as best I could, and have added comments explaining what I've changed and (often) why, and/or questions regarding certain terms, etc. Changes are highlighted in red.

Feel free to pick and choose what you like among the changes I've made. :)


   
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PostPosted: 04 Oct 2007, 17:07 
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Err, sorry, the last post was made by me. I keep forgetting to log in. :oops:


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Thanks a lot, I'll look through it, when I have some free time from coding for the new project!

UPD: Looked through the text - very impressive quality! I have some remarks too, but I don't have the time right now. :( Hope I'll get to it before you lose interest in the text :-D
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Thanks a lot, I'll look through it, when I have some free time from coding for the new project!

UPD: Looked through the text - very impressive quality!
Thanks. :)

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I have some remarks too, but I don't have the time right now. :( Hope I'll get to it before you lose interest in the text :-D
Take your time. ;)


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PostPosted: 07 Oct 2007, 21:22 
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I'm commenting here, and sorry, but I don't remember where I can load up the excel document (and how), so here goes. It's mikkels document I'm refering to.


Love the added text from the russian translation, didn't think that someody skipped some parts of it to start with.

3-4: "Such" could be replaced with "these". See 5.

5: Should the item really be plural? It's a description of AN item, not many.

6: "The vaccine causes slight damage the health of the user." TO should be added.

10. Narcotic or narcotica? Narkotika in swedish. ;)

15. Improving/decreases/increases: Take one ending, -ing, or -es. "but they also increases hunger" could be "but at the same time increase/s hunger".

16: I like your thinking! ^^

26: Yes, it's hunchbacks, IIRC we were supposed to change all those to hunchbacks. Me wants the current glossary! :P

34: Probably feet, right?

35: Don't remember, where is this game mentioned otherwise?

48: Don't write people on their noses, they can understand that gamma comes after alpha and beta!

53: Nowadays?

59: Yes, it should be. Useful in long range battles.

70: ?

76-80: Blood sample is better.

88: Drinkable is abundant, yes.

90: Don't know.

102: Esteem as much sounds strange, and even though there are more words in your translation, it's better.

110: Nimble sounds smaller than something human, so yes, it's a better choice.

111: It makes sense to me, and I understand is as cutting the body, not just the grass for example.

131: We should check the glossary, as also with some other terms, like destroyers.

132: It's "alchemy", you're not supposed to understand it! Seriously though, it's good at it is for me. :)

151: I haven't heard anyone use both of the current words, and the text doesn't make sense to me without knowing that it was "handed down". Don't understand the second part of the sentence.

152: Your translation makes sense, don't know what "killer foundation" is supposed to mean, and how you translated the text.

"The usual bit about health: you've changed many things so that it specifies "the user", which makes sense from a litterary point of view. Although perhaps it's the style of the creators to make it seem like you, the player, are the only person available to use things, perhaps to alienate or make it seem the more important. I would skip "the user". Also in places like 98, "blood for transfusions" implies something about it being one of many, or a regular item, which I don't quite like. Skip the s-ending and we'll talk.

Random: I don't like some of the american spellings at all, like theater and anesthetics, but perhaps that's just me? I'm not american and still don't write many things like americans, and there are more people outside of america than in it. Most of the changes are 50-50, but some are killing me, like I already mentioned.

The rest of the changes are good and I accept them. ^^


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PostPosted: 07 Oct 2007, 23:31 
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I'm commenting here, and sorry, but I don't remember where I can load up the excel document (and how), so here goes. It's mikkels document I'm refering to.
ftp://pathologic:Trans2007@pathologic.thelxr.info

:)

I've uploaded an updated version of the document with most of these changed (with the exception of those where I was uncertain) here.

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Love the added text from the russian translation, didn't think that someody skipped some parts of it to start with.
I got suspecious because some of the translations were much shorter than the original. ;)

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3-4: "Such" could be replaced with "these". See 5.
Yeah. I used "such" because that was what the automatic translations (see below) suggested, and it sounded fine to me. The question is whenever or not the description should speak in general terms, or if it should refer to the specific item in the user's possession. Most of the descriptions seem to be general, but if you prefer it otherwise, that's fine with me.

I've basically just ran the Russian text through an automatic translation service (www.systran.co.uk is the best I've been able to find), and checked if there was anything missing from the english. The manual was also useful in this regard.

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5: Should the item really be plural? It's a description of AN item, not many.
It's like "pants", "glasses" or even "money". The word is always plural for overalls/coveralls. Or at least it's the most common way of writing it.

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6: "The vaccine causes slight damage the health of the user." TO should be added.
Right.

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10. Narcotic or narcotica? Narkotika in swedish. ;)
Narcotic. See for instance dictionary.com.
The Danish word is the same as the sweedish one. ;)

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15. Improving/decreases/increases: Take one ending, -ing, or -es. "but they also increases hunger" could be "but at the same time increase/s hunger".
How does this look:
"Lemons are rich in vitamins, and slightly improve the efficiency of the immune system and decrease fatigue. But at the same time they increase hunger."

:?:

As far as I can tell (when I actually look it up), this is the correct form given that the subject is plural.

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16: I like your thinking! ^^
Thanks. :)

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26: Yes, it's hunchbacks, IIRC we were supposed to change all those to hunchbacks. Me wants the current glossary! :P
Ok.

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34: Probably feet, right?
That makes more sense, as far as I can see.

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35: Don't remember, where is this game mentioned otherwise?
I'm not sure at the moment.

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48: Don't write people on their noses, they can understand that gamma comes after alpha and beta!
What I meant was that there didn't seem to be any difference in effect, from the current translation, so that they appeared to be functionally equivalent.

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53: Nowadays?
Right, that sounds better.

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59: Yes, it should be. Useful in long range battles.
Ok.

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70: ?
Maybe it should say "still beating", instead of "still alive"?

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76-80: Blood sample is better.
Ok.

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88: Drinkable is abundant, yes.
Ok.
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90: Don't know.
I'm pretty sure that the expression, but not 100%. :)

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102: Esteem as much sounds strange, and even though there are more words in your translation, it's better.
Sorry, are you saying that you prefer "esteem" or what I wrote? I'm not sure I've understood this reply.

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110: Nimble sounds smaller than something human, so yes, it's a better choice.
Ok.

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111: It makes sense to me, and I understand is as cutting the body, not just the grass for example.
What I meant was, does cutting refer to cutting open the body: Disecting, operating, wounding, etc? Or simply to the act of cutting, which could include cutting off hair.

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131: We should check the glossary, as also with some other terms, like destroyers.
The glossary uses "marauders", but if I were to judge by the text, I'd say that "looters" is a better choice.

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132: It's "alchemy", you're not supposed to understand it! Seriously though, it's good at it is for me. :)
Ok.

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151: I haven't heard anyone use both of the current words, and the text doesn't make sense to me without knowing that it was "handed down". Don't understand the second part of the sentence.
I didn't know what "bequeathed" meant either, so I had to look it up. :)

With regards to the second part of the text, I believe it's trying to say that the remains/bones of "Bos Primigenius" makes up/forms/shapes the laws of the universe, but I'm not entirely sure.

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152: Your translation makes sense, don't know what "killer foundation" is supposed to mean, and how you translated the text.
Based on this thread, "killer foundation" was a pun about the foundation for the Polyhedron, saying that it was both incredible and deadly at the same time. That was what I tried to convey.

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"The usual bit about health: you've changed many things so that it specifies "the user", which makes sense from a litterary point of view. Although perhaps it's the style of the creators to make it seem like you, the player, are the only person available to use things, perhaps to alienate or make it seem the more important. I would skip "the user".
Well, AFAIK, you can give such things to certain NPCs, so it makes sense to me not to make the text center too much around the player.

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Also in places like 98, "blood for transfusions" implies something about it being one of many, or a regular item, which I don't quite like. Skip the s-ending and we'll talk.
Ok.

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Random: I don't like some of the american spellings at all, like theater and anesthetics, but perhaps that's just me? I'm not american and still don't write many things like americans, and there are more people outside of america than in it. Most of the changes are 50-50, but some are killing me, like I already mentioned.
I've used american because Tsolaelia mentions that this was what was seemingly used (see here). It doesn't matter to me if we use British, American english or any other variant, as long as we are consistant.

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The rest of the changes are good and I accept them. ^^
Thanks. :)


   
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PostPosted: 10 Oct 2007, 16:08 
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Thanks for commenting on Mikkel's work and not mine, guys! I feel a bit neglected. :P

I definitely like your improvements, Mikkel, especially where you've added stuff from the Russian that was left out in the initial translation. :) Thanks also for fixing up my British English.. I kept forgetting to Americanise my spelling.
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The glossary uses "marauders", but if I were to judge by the text, I'd say that "looters" is a better choice.
I agree, but I left it because of the glossary. "Looters" would be much better, if we can use that term universally.
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Perhaps “shoot” would be a better choice, instead of the word “sprig”. I for one had to look up “sprig”.
Sprig is the word that would be used in recipes.
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It's like "pants", "glasses" or even "money". The word is always plural for overalls/coveralls. Or at least it's the most common way of writing it.
A pair of "overalls" and an "overall" are different things entirely - but "coverall" is a good substitute.
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"Lemons are rich in vitamins, and slightly improve the efficiency of the immune system and decrease fatigue. But at the same time they increase hunger."
Yes, that's much better.
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With regards to the second part of the text, I believe it's trying to say that the remains/bones of "Bos Primigenius" makes up/forms/shapes the laws of the universe, but I'm not entirely sure.
As I understand it, the original text is referring to the "ridges" or "lines" of the bones. Described here. I haven't studied anatomy though, so I'm not altogether certain!


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PostPosted: 10 Oct 2007, 16:35 
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I was talking about both of your work, I didn't mean to make you feel left out! )) You're all doing a great job, just be sure to compile it into one version, please. ))
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PostPosted: 10 Oct 2007, 17:57 
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Aw, thank-you, LxR. :) Will definitely make sure we compile all the changes into a single file.


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Manda, your check-ups were so good that they didn't need commenting! ^^ The real reason for me not commenting though was that it was too much to read through for me at the time, and this was the easier way out. :)


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Thanks for commenting on Mikkel's work and not mine, guys! I feel a bit neglected. :P
Your translation is great, I just happen to be an compulsory nitpicker. ;)

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I definitely like your improvements, Mikkel, especially where you've added stuff from the Russian that was left out in the initial translation. :)
Thanks. :)

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Thanks also for fixing up my British English.. I kept forgetting to Americanise my spelling.
I can't really take much credit for that ... my office-suite kept crashing when I tried using the British-English dictionary, which is what I normally use, and when I checked it turned out that American-English was the preferred dialect. >_>

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The glossary uses "marauders", but if I were to judge by the text, I'd say that "looters" is a better choice.
I agree, but I left it because of the glossary. "Looters" would be much better, if we can use that term universally.
If The LxR agrees, perhaps it can be added to the glossary.

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Perhaps “shoot” would be a better choice, instead of the word “sprig”. I for one had to look up “sprig”.
Sprig is the word that would be used in recipes.
I'll take your word for it. :)

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It's like "pants", "glasses" or even "money". The word is always plural for overalls/coveralls. Or at least it's the most common way of writing it.
A pair of "overalls" and an "overall" are different things entirely - but "coverall" is a good substitute.
I must admit that I wasn't aware that singular "overall" had a different meaning, so that's just a failure on my part. What do you prefer?

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"Lemons are rich in vitamins, and slightly improve the efficiency of the immune system and decrease fatigue. But at the same time they increase hunger."
Yes, that's much better.
Thanks. :)

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With regards to the second part of the text, I believe it's trying to say that the remains/bones of "Bos Primigenius" makes up/forms/shapes the laws of the universe, but I'm not entirely sure.
As I understand it, the original text is referring to the "ridges" or "lines" of the bones. Described here. I haven't studied anatomy though, so I'm not altogether certain!
That sounds probable. Perhaps The LxR can explain it to us. :)


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PostPosted: 21 Nov 2007, 11:55 
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I am an American "Adherent" (if one doesn't mind me appropriating game terminology) of Pathologic; I am almost to the end of the Bachelor scenario, and come here offering my aid to proofread and smooth translations into American text. I have some background in such tasks -- in everyday life I am a professor of American History, I have had a play produced in Dallas for seven months, and I used to be a game reviewer.

I am trying to catch up on where the project currently stands and how I might be of the most service to your work. While my time is somewhat limited by my other commitments, I have always promoted games that are genre-busters or show brilliance even if they were under appreciated by some audiences (the excellent games Ghost Master, originally produced in the UK, Evil Genius, Missing, and the No One Lives Forever 1 and 2 sets are examples of really fine game writing that I have felt were under-appreciated in the American market.)


That said, may I offer one or two general suggestions to topics previously discussed?

Unique Titles versus general translations:

Some of the discussions about translating phrases I think might be broken down into two categories. Some words are "made up" words, fantastical combinations that add flavor to the game because they are often metaphors or allusions to ideas. For example, the discussion about "The Executor" -- it is true if their outfits are supposed to be harbingers of death then Executioner might be more literal. However, I have to admit Executor -- a title given to those who discharge an estate upon someone's death -- adds a bit more flavor to it. I also enjoy it because the "Creep Factor" is more subtle with Executor. The bird costumes may have had in their origin designs from Russia, but to me they were reminiscent of the gear worn by doctors in London during outbreaks of plague -- the long bird noses contained herbs that were supposed to ward off the disease.

When a made-up term appears that is a colloquialism in the game, I would suggest that it be capitalized, placed in quotation marks, or otherwise explained in game text the first time the character runs across it. For example, the phrase of respect -- and my apologies, I would have to re-look it up, but is it Oinon? -- confused me a lot until I read this board. teh first time I was called it as the Bachelor I kept wondering why they were calling me an onion -- was my breath that bad?? However, a simple fix would be (at least in the Bachelor's scenario) to have Eve in her original dialog refer to him along the lines of:

(Eve:) "Welcome, Oinon Bachelor."
(Bachelor's reply:) "Oinon?"
(Eve:) "Yes, Oinon -- an honored one, a title customary among the people of the Steppe."

Going along those lines, some phrases like "shavermen" (as discussed much earlier) could be kept as such, but the phrase Razormen is much more evocative in English (and kudos to whomever suggested it first! Again, I am far too lazy to scroll back through this message thread to give proper credit, so my apologies.)

The discussion of the titles of the three main characters certainly falls into this category. I like that they are iconic names, although the phrase "The Bachelor" really should be changed -- I finally understood why you called him that after reading this thread (after the idea of the Bachelor's degree) -- but of course in English the title Bachelor is truly only used to refer to someone who is male and in an unmarried state. A holder of a Bachelor's degree would never be called "The Bachelor" -- plus, since our character is already a doctor and researcher, it is hardly polite to refer to his lowest university degree -- it would be like calling a school teacher a preschooler. Since there was objection to calling him "The Doctor" (understandable since he is alternatively referred to as doctor, plus it avoids any accidental Doctor Who reference), might I suggest "The Physician"?

The second character, I must admit, has a name that at first I had to go hunting for, and teh spelling in my translation made me think the word was a made-up one. Of course, realizing later that it was a reference to a Roman oracle known as a Haruspex made much more sense -- though I would suggest changing the spelling to "Haruspex" or use the suggested phrases The Seer or The Diviner. To be honest though, once you know what a Haruspex is, it really does fit his character in a way that I like.

The Devotress, since I have not played through her scenario, is the one I can comment upon the least. Her name is obviously one that is awkward in English; a slightly more comfortable translation would be "Devoted One," but that lacks the one-word cachet of a title. I realize the name was translated in some places as Impostor, but again this apparently refers to a plot point not obvious earlier in her scenario and I think anything that has too much fo a spoiler effect should be avoided.

I would suggest one alternative, since she presents herself as mysterious and spiritual, "The Priestess." While an archaic spelling, it specifically also refers to the Tarot card of the same name (the High Priestess) , a woman of non-Christian religion who is shrouded in mystery and embodies in herself various dualities. (see visual reference to a Ride-Waite version of the card at: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_High_Priestess)

One suggestion -- at the original character screen with the three choices, it would be nice to have the names of the characters above or next to their titles. I.e.: Kara - "The Priestess"

Hearkening back to the phrase "Sanitation Army," I agree that just "army" might be a better translation. But again, a slight extra dialog addition with the Inquisitor might keep the flavor of this unusual term. Consider that the Inquisitor explains that their purpose is to possibly destroy the town if containment fails. Therefore, a dialog such as:

Inquisitor: Yes, tomorrow the so-called "Sanitation Army" comes. But do not be fooled, good doctor; I have grave doubts that the Sand Plague is the only thing they have planned to "sanitize," should your efforts fail. . .


Direct translation, where it keeps the atmosphere of the game is preferred; but if in order to keep the amazing flavor and atmosphere of the game either a looser translation or extra explanatory text may keep more to the spirit of the game, then I would humbly submit, if the game designers approve, that the spirit is more important than the literal translation.


Did I mention I am long-winded? :)


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PostPosted: 21 Nov 2007, 12:20 
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Oh man. )) Now I MUST finally compile the glossary :-D
I'll give a proper reply in the evening.
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Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind! Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd;

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Welcome to our humble establishment, and close the door behind ye lest the disease spoils our souls. I mean, for heavens sake! ^^

Didn't know that about bird gear worn in London, thanks.

The Bachelor is up for discussion, I'll let you decide since I really don't know what is usual and what isn't when it comes to university degrees.

I like the idea concerning Klara's name, "The Priestess".

The made up terms should be capitalized for clarification, and if need cries then the translation itself should give way for more explaining.


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Hey, everyone. I realize that the project is somewhat temporarily on hold, at least until Tension is completed and everything, but I wanted to comment on a few things in case I forget to check back once things get moving again.

First off I want to say that I haven't played much of the game and I can't read Russian, so I don't really have much context for a lot of the things in the item list. As a result most of these comments are more about improper or odd english usage.

5. If you're going to use plural for coveralls, you need to use it in both references of the word.

15. The very last sentence for the Lemon item is a fragment. It could be rewritten as "Lemons are rich in vitamins, and slightly improve the efficiency of the immune system and decrease fatigue, but at the same time increase hunger." But this might feel a little too much like a run on sentence. Saying, "Lemons are rich in vitamins. Eating one slightly improves the efficiency of the immune system and decreases fatigue, but also increases hunger" might work better, but either is technically workable.

19. This seems somewhat awkward. While it's possible to figure out what's being talked about the line, "Word is that the cows are giving ichor instead of milk and that black clots have been found in it" feels awkward as it's unclear that the it is refering to the milk, and the beginning of the sentence implies that the cows aren't giving milk at all which further muddles things. Chaning "instead of" to "along with their" helps the latter issue, but the former would be harder to fix without restructuring the sentence. Fortunately, the former is the more nit-picky of the two, so it's safer to ignore it.

29. If "the Hunch" is going to be changed to "the hunchbacks" as in 26, then the change needs to be consistent everywhere it's used. 120 and 122 also need to be updated in this fashion.

32. Executer is not a word. You need to use Executor. This is a mistake that occurs in several spots, and all of them need to be corrected.

65. In regards to the comment on this one: I strongly think that the item name should definitely remain as is. Silent House is being used as a way of describing houses struck by plauge, not as a way to refer to a specific house, so the rewording would be more awkward than the current wording. At first glance, there is some potential for confusion, but as long as players are introduced to the concept of Silent Houses before they find the key, it'd be fine. All of the other keys are worded in the same manner as well, and consistency is important.

70. I think, though I am not certain, that when it says "still alive" it means "still beating." But I can't read the original Russian, so I'm not 100% sure. Basically, the heart would continue to function (beat) even after having been removed from the corpse.

81. I think the word "testament" probably sounds better than tribute in this case. Tribute comes across more as a "gift" than as proof of in common usage. They can be used as synonyms, so it's not technically incorrect, but testament is more focused on the proof of meaning, while tribute has several other meanings as well.

88. Turning "drunkards" into "those who have overindulged in other beverages" is a nice euphemism, but it very much dilutes the meaning. It also makes it sound like only people who are currently drunk would want it, not people who tend to be, but are not necessarily at this moment, drunk. Drunkard is a perfectly acceptable word, so I see no reason for the more flowery euphemism to be used in this case.

91. Barrows are burial mounds. This is probably fine.

98. If you're going to use the singular "transfusion", you should use "a transfusion." Transfusion is not a verb, and using it like that turns it into one. (Or alternately, it could turn it into a proper noun, but I don't think there are any characters or locations named "Transfusion" in the game :P)

102 & 103. "Esteem it as much" is technically correct, I think, even if it does sound slightly awkward. It's both a noun and a verb; the old way used it as a verb. You could also replace the "as high a regard" with "as high esteem" in the sentence if you feel it sounds better, as they're synonyms when used as nouns.

119. "... Stan Ruben has been studying over the last four days" is slightly awkward and would probably be better written as "... Stan Ruben has been studying for the last four days." This is pretty minor though. It should be noted, however, that it slightly changes the tone if you do that, making it seem like he's been focused on studying it for four days rather than having studied it over the course of four days. I'm not sure what the context is, so the alteration may or may not be for the better. It's still pretty minor even then.

144. If the previous rat entry has been altered to nimble from agile, this one should be too, unless there are noticable differences in how agile they are and nimble is being used to differentiate. (If that is the case, it's a poor way to go about it though, since it's hard to tell which would be the better of the two)

155. This one is kinda tricky without knowing context. Neither bequeathed nor handed down will work with this sentence if Bos Primigenius didn't die or suffer some sort of loss of power in the process. The use of handing down/bequeathing is typically related to the process of inheritence, though I think it may be appropriate to use it in a situation in which a figure of power steps down from that position. The latter use isn't something I'm entirely sure about though. It may be better to say "This horn was a gift to..." rather than trying to use a fancy verb. If the horn has some sort of mystical significance or power, the use of the word bestow might work though: "This horn was bestowed upon one of the ..." I also agree that the term "skeletal ridges" is very odd in english but because I'm not totally clear on what it's supposed to be refering to, I can't really offer a better solution.

156. I'm not sure that ominous is the proper word here. The original phrasing seems to be something of an untranslatable subtext to the actual meaning, one that can't be replicated in English. The sense that it is at both incredible and dangerous can't be brought across with the word ominous. As that really just comes across as it being incredibly dangerous and foreboding, which isn't even part of the original phrasing. It's hard to tell which of the two meanings was intended to be an undercurrent and which was intended to be the main thing you were supposed to pull away from the sentence, but the use of ominous distorts the original meaning too much imo. Using mysterious might be more workable, since at the very least you're not adding some overwhelming sense of foreboding to the description, but you're still going to lose something. It may make more sense to strip the adjective out completely, actually, since the descriptive text about how the buliding manages to "stay on the ground in defiance of the laws of physics and geometry" - as an aside, stay on the ground should probably be changed to "stay standing" or some other way of expressing the concept of it not collpasing, since even if it fell down it'd still be "on the ground"; the text, as is, implies that it should be floating, not that it shouldn't be able to be standing - should be sufficient to give you the subtext for how impossible the building is and how this is both impressive and scary at the same time.

That about does it for the item list.

I also want to put in my support for the above suggestion of replacing The Bachelor with The Physician, even though it more properly belongs on another thread. The use of Bachelor to refer to someone who holds a degree is particularly archaic, the immediate thought to a modern speaker is going to be that of a single male. Also, in the case of a Doctor, at least in the modern day US, a Bachelor's Degree would be insufficient to actually practice medicine. Bachelor's Degrees are the lowest level of degree attainable. Under current education systems, this would apply to having completed a pre-med program. Actually becoming a licensed doctor then requires further medical school work and higher level degrees. I'm not sure how this works in Russia though, or how it worked in the time period for the game, or whether the character is actually licensed or not (or whatever the equivalent is in Russia), but using the term The Bachelor to apply to the Doctor not only initially gives the wrong impression, as we don't typically use the word that way, but also gives the impression that he's not really a doctor but rather someone who's got some training but isn't properly, or fully, educated in the field.


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PostPosted: 21 Apr 2008, 17:08 
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Thanks for your additions! They won't go to waste, don't worry. ;)
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