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Ice-Pick Lodge forums • A funny ballad
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 Post subject: A funny ballad
PostPosted: 07 Oct 2010, 02:33 
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25 Feb 2007, 00:40

Posts: 410

Location: оттуда

It's actually a translation of my ballad which I originally wrote in Russian. Hope, you'll enjoy the translation:

A foul wind caresses nerve and leafs (no as in Pandemonium but still annoying)
And takes away the bloody soaked bandage (bleeding wounds are very dangerous)
So, sitting by the fire in the night (it’s hard to set a fire without the flame arrow spell)
The strider starts his story of an old age (it wasn’t a mere strider but a harper)

In ages old the human’s only lot (as well as dwarf’s, elf’s and others’ lot)
Was fear before the spirit of the forest (a banshee or a greater shadow or whatever)
The spirit came from prehistoric times (before Elminster was born)
One of the sons of Veles the accursed (fuck those Times of Troubles)

To forest it was bound by a curse (lvl 55 divine curse)
Because for war it constantly was longing (the planes lost another unborn Bhaal)
From heaven it was banished to the earth (I assume it was Toril)
And made its home in the forest upon falling (some folks think it was the forest of Neverwinter)

Who entered this three times accursed wood (the curse might have had an area effect)
Returned from there strongly feebleminded (with no save)
Their fingers cut, all covered with own blood (I wonder if the spirit was a tanar’ri)
All they could say were mere quiet mumbles (and the silence status effect was there as well).

The hunt brought nothing to resolve the problem (the rangers sucked then)
It only made more madmen to appear (there were no Tyr temples around then)
The elders were replaced with tyrant kings (they might have begun to build Neverwinter city)
The neighbor villages went on live in fear (and only occasional will saves preserved the region from complete devastation)

One day a man appeared from the blue (s16/d12/con17/i11/w7/cha8)
And promised to destroy the evil spirit (don’t WOW before lvl 8)
But in return he was just ridiculed (‘cause his Charisma sucked)
They warned him to keep arms save and head clear (I’d buy gloves and a helmet if I were in his shoes)

The hero only tighter grasped his sword (a common shitty bastard sword)
And made his way towards the evil forest (avoiding random encounters in every possible way)
He ran and to extinguish fear (every round save vs. fear or flee)
He sang a hymn to Veles the accursed (and me noob assumed barbarians cherished Tempus)

The spirit heard that solemn quiet hymn (Hear: 15 points)
And rage began to boil in its body (special ability aka barb rage)
So it decided to quickly deal with it (get 650 XP)
And punish our brave yet foolish warrior (definitely a tanar’ri)

But our hero wasn’t really stupid (‘cause he was supposed to be the main character)
He sensed the spirit’s coming indignation (all points wasted on detect+skill focus feat)
He pierced it hard with all the might he had (16 str. is not that bad for 3rd ed)
The blade hit true the foul abomination (fill in the rolls here)

But sharpened blade just flew though evil’s chest (immunity to normal weapons)
Without causing any visible damage (Critical miss)
The steel was good but it was not enchanted (he should have spent 1200GP on a +1 weapon)
You can not hit a shade with a normal weapon (screw the rules)

The spirit lunged at our hero fast (fill in the rolls)
It wished to knock him down on the ground (a useful ability)
But the hero didn’t run against the odds (his wisdom also sucked)
Evading shadow quicker than a sound (he had dodge and mobility feats?)

And to continue the impossible fight (although I must admit that the DM greatly sympathized with the char)
Our hero resumed to sing his hymn impressive (he’d make a fine bard if his charisma didn’t suck so badly)
And Veles was pleased and sent a fire blessing (maybe not a bard but a priest of Veles, crap, his wisdom is no better than charisma)
Which covered the blade with a streaming wave (aka lvl 3 cleric spell “FlameSword”)

The flaming sword delivered the blow at last (roll 20, critical hit! 36+1 fire damage)
The spirit screamed aware of its ending (so it was a banshee after all)
And from that shriek our hero became deaf (permanently)
Some other guy would die where the hero’s standing (fill in the roll vs. death here)

Such was the end of the evil spirit’s reign (the spirit of the forest: death; XP gained: 12000, level up!)
The villager’s relieve was never ending (ale 1 GP, booze 2GP)
But our hero couldn’t hear a thing (and what of it if he could)
In bed severely wounded he was laying (he should have invited a cleric in the party)

He has deserved much honor and esteem (Reputation Increased: 4, total 16)
But could he be as he was once – a warrior (not only spell casters need hearing)
Henceforth he turned into a shepherd boy (what a fool, I’d reload)
With fame and soul of a hero eternal (even so, a load)

So ends this old yet very truthful tale (enough of the heroic blah-blah already)
And looking at the fire calmly burning (did you know that you can see the inner plane of fire this way)
I never thought how wonderful it was (the wind ceased and the fire is so warming)
To keep on singing at the times of peril (behind a pair of well-built fighters)

So, sing your hymns, our fellow minstrel (the students and pregnant women get a discount for the tickets)
And let the music heal our bodies (Cure medium wounds+Aid)
In the winter’s cold or in summer’s heat (in Icewind Dale or in Kalimshan)
Let’s play our reggae, ganja-smoking brothen. (no comment)
A man with a spade -
Not hunchbacked, not lame -
Knows nothing, but slaughter.
No use to cry quarter!

If you do not describe your attack in a gloriously cinematic fashion, the difficulty increases one step. (c)

 Post subject: Re: A funny ballad
PostPosted: 25 Nov 2010, 11:00 


25 Nov 2010, 08:30

Posts: 1

is that funny? i even find it so inspiring and sincere.. :mrgreen: thanks for the share :)

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